The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
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Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it