Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
You Might Also Like
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
The USS B port
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread