My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
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Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.