The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
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My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it