You can’t outrun your problems…
You Might Also Like
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
How much for the goth pool noodles?
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on