I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
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Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
Sorry I made promises on Friday
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup