*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
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me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
sigh
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
This is enough internet for the day.
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.