3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
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Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
Cool shirt 🙂
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
Just say no
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”