My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
You Might Also Like
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
what the hell pray for carter everyone
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all