My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
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[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.