In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
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Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
My boss called in sick of me
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
let’s discuss
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here