Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
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After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.