“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
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don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?