You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
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WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
Just a reminder, folks:
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
good work, detective
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”