We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
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I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
Not today.. 😂
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one