It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
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My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
Barbie gone wild
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers