*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
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*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.