Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
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I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
Breaking news:
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
One of the best
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*