I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
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That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
This is a sub tweet
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.