A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
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I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.