[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
You Might Also Like
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
My teenage children choosing violence
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.