Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
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The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
Social Media and Real life
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.