Word.
~ Microsoft.
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Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
#Caturday
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
felt cute might bury dad later idk
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one