*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
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My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch