My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
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Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
Crying is a sign of leakness.
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines