My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
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they should invent a rest for the wicked
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
Just why bro?!
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.