The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
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Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN