me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
You Might Also Like
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.