[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
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The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?