Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
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It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway