Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
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We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.