Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
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6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off