Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
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I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
#Thanos #MondayMood
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
he was correct
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.