Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
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Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
When news reporters do sports stories
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.