“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
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I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.