Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
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You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
Lucky old June.
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.