[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
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I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.