What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
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I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.