surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
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Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
I need to update my racial profile.
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”