I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
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-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
how to exercise your calf muscles
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*