Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
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Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4