inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
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computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
This is a whole mood;
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
Time heals everything 🙂
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree