Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
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Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
that lip filler tho
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
Clients after you give them your rates
Lube but for my dry humor.
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
my friends when i can’t do basic math
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin