It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
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“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
I’m giving up for Lent.
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]