NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
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[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
😏😏😏
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
⚠️ Important Reminder:
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
My plans: 2020: