I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
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Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
Plumber: I think I found the problem
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”