I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
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Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.