My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
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How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.