People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
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Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common