Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
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*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR